Sunday, 23 November 2008

Grief

Sorry, here with unhappy news again re ttc... hubby and I have been trying for 5 years to have a child, and the last year and a half have been having test after test, his final *test* was last month when he had a little operation. We found out on Thursday that it was not successful. So we will never have a biological child together.

We have always wanted a BIG family, a couple of our own and then adopt a couple of kids too, and now science has told us we have no choice... been crying loads, keen to adopt at some stage (far too stressful to go through all that now though), will check out the donor route in the meanwhile too... just feel all upside down and angry and fed up.

My hubby was reading stories to my 3 x 1 year olds (kids I mind) on Thursday afternoon when he got back from the hospital, and it was so hard to sit there watching him, I was fighting back the tears... he is a born daddy, an amazing man... and this has been denied him. Denied us.

Why do so many people have kids so easily and don't care for them properly and others battle SO much??? We have a solid marriage and a loving home. I have always longed to have a child, and when I met my husband, that longing only increased, knowing what a dad he would be. I don't have words anymore, just tears.


I know it'll get better with time, but right now I cannot see past tomorrow. I also have a husband who is dealing with much guilt, and I am trying to be strong for him and have told him over and over it's not his problem, it's ours, and that we will be parents one day. But it won't have curls and specs... like ours invariably would. Right now, we cannot get past that.

I am a firm Christian and do know God performs miracles, and am praying for one, but at this stage I am just seeing red and cannot stop crying. Adoption is also a miracle in itself, I know how very very special it is... but at the moment we are both grieving for our children that will never be.

8 comments:

  1. I grieve for you as well. It does my heart good though to think of the lucky children who will be loved by you, who wouldn't have had such wonderful lives otherwise. I know that is cold comfort, but it's something.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh thank you for your kind words, I am quite overcome, a tear is never far away. I know things will get better with time, it's just that this is so FINAL.

    Thanks again xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry for your grief. I know God can work miracles! I've had it done to me.. and sometimes I forget about it too (how sad). My uterus was once shaped like a heart and then after prayer and peace the next ultrasound it was "normal". So I will be praying fervently for you and your husband. You two seem so right to be parents and remember Abraham and Sarah... I only hope to offer you my condolences, I wish I could do more, but I suppose prayer is the best I have to offer. Much love sent to you in this time of grief and healing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I got goosebumps reading your post and I am just so sad for you. I know there's nothing I can say to make anything better, but know that I'll have you and your husband in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Elaine, thanks for your thoughtful comment. Yes, God can and DOES do miracles. Look at you, wow!

    Prayer is the only thing we can do right now, and relax and heal, and, in good time, make enquiries for Plan B. Now that the door to Plan A has quite firmly, shut.

    ReplyDelete
  6. that is such a heartfelt post and it really touched me! thank you for posting what must have been so hard. hugs to you and your hubby

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you Saffie! I feel a lot stronger now, am sure will have up and down times. Talking about it, sharing the grief, has done wonders. Bottling things inside is like a ticking timebomb... that's the I do enjoy blogging so much. One can share to one's heart's content.

    ReplyDelete