Sunday, 1 August 2010

A tough couple of years

In October 2008 we were told we could never have a child together, and for Lance, who is a born daddy, and me, who always wanted 4 kids, this came as a HUGE shock. I had a severe asthma attack a week later, I believe due to the stress of it all.

Thankfully I was at the doctor at the time as my breathing had been labouring for some time, and the ambulance came quickly. I was on breathing apparatus for 5 days in hospital. So within a week, we were told we could never medically have a child together, plus I nearly died. This hit Lance extra hard, and he withdrew.... from friends, church et al. I followed suit soon after.

Friends and family were worried about us, but we were had each other and wanted no-one else. We clung to each other during those dark days. Cried out to God a lot. After about 6 months of this, we saw my sister occasionally but no-one else.... I started reading some good books written by Christian women re their infertility struggle with their partners, and how they got through it all.. and I realised what I was feeling... anger, grief etc. were perfectly normal. This helped me loads... and I started looking for a new church.

Our old church - whereas the teaching was spot on, there was a continual baby boom there and it was VERY hard to pretend we were happy for other couples all the time, when they were having their 4th or 5th or 6th child!. The senior pastor of our old church was on the Israel trip with us in February and I had a chance to quietly chat with him re why we left and he appreciated it... and understood. They have baptisms every week practically... it's just crazy! Great for everyone BUT not great for an infertile couple who have to put this frozen grin on their faces.

So I found a new local church and started going. On my own. For 6 months. Lance wanted nothing to do with church still. I think he felt more anger and took it harder as (a) the fertility problem was his and he felt much guilt, and (b) he had nearly lost me.

When my family came for the month over Christmas it was wonderful in so many ways.. the best being that Lance joined us all at the Christmas Eve service.. first time he set foot in a church for a year. He has been going since and then we had Israel, which has sparked so much more biblical interest (biblical archaeology)... and we're on track again. The hurt is still there, but the anger is much abated.

We have only in the last 8 months started opening up and sharing with out friends what we have been through re trying to have a child etc. One goes through a grieving process, and I don't think we'll ever be over it, till perhaps we have adopted/had a miracle child. We will see. Thankfully this has only made me and Lance love and appreciate each other all the more the past 10 years.

I await results and it is nerve wracking and frustrating. But I must say that I do believe God will not give us more than we can handle. I am amazed we have come through thus far as we have.

I pray the results are clear and a surgery date is set soon... we can then start planning our month long holiday in December to South Africa!!!

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